I find myself thinking about a phrase that has been said to me in various instances over the course of my life.

“You know, you don’t have to say ‘thank you’ so often.” Or something of the sort.

It baffles me.

Commonly - but not ironically - it’s the person working the back of house in a restaurant, or the executive chef working expo. Other times, it could be the cashier at the local store, the deckhand, a partner, a friend.. you name it.

On the other hand, there is a phrase I have been saying to myself for many years, starting around the time I started working with plant medicine.

“Thank you to the spirits. The earthly beings, otherworldly beings - thank you for your kindness, your patience.. thank you for this blessing, awareness, for your generous support. Thank you for this moment.” A gracious sentiment so energetically charged it could burst. Originally I took a moment of acknowledgment with these words before every meal, then it started to come up more frequently throughout the day.

A moment of excitement - thank you.

A moment of worry - thank you.

A moment of confusion - thank you.

A moment of choosing - thank you, thank you, thank you.

It might not come up as often for me now, but this is how she works. It’s a clear call, and with that moment brings awareness. It brings the work. In these moments I am not just saying the mantra frivolously, I am feeling it - deeply. More or less, when I say thank you, I can assure you: I am so deeply and genuinely thanking you.

I can tell you graciously that it started with my parents, and was ingrained at a young age. “Please and thank you. Look them in the eye.” My mother was stern, and rest assured, we would be polite. Now though, it’s a deep rooted appreciation for everyone, their services, my surroundings, the planet, the beings..Thank you.

When I once again hear that phrase “you know you don’t have to say thank you every time” I might feel sad for that person, but mostly - I feel glad for me. Glad for awareness. For graciousness. I can choose in those moments to keep doing what feels right for me.

I know I can have a sharp tongue and some dark days, but damn - you won’t ever hear me telling anyone to be less gracious.

It wasn’t until I officially started my own business that the realization set in. After some odd years of preaching the sustainable lifestyle - had I ultimately been living and working within systems that embody the opposite? Something early on told me that I was eventually going to be a business owner, and I knew I was destined to do it differently. At the forefront of my experience is locally grown vegetables, healthy “fast-food” alternatives, small business management, and ecological horticulture work. On the back end of things, however - you might find extremely exploited labor, rationalized chemicals, hoarded resources, self-righteous initiatives, quieted voices and the underlying status quo of clichè existence.

A symptoms list spoken so fast and low that you won’t notice it amidst the single benefit of the pill you’re being sold.

Why is the default expectation that I do things the way everyone around me is doing them? Albeit arguably unsuccessfully.

If you, as a business owner - can’t retain employees, can’t pay the ones you do a livable wage, value quantity over quality, skimp on the customer experience for the sake of your own, can’t do it all yourself, can’t manage your boundaries, can’t hold others accountable, can’t take responsibility… excuse after excuse..

Please explain, where exactly do I find the sustainability??

A dear friend and fellow business owner used to reach out during the early stages of growth. Although I always felt called to offer support from a friendly and collaborative perspective, he viewed paying for that support as a necessary part of operating a sustainable business - as they live and breathe. “If we can’t pay you for your work, we’re not doing this successfully,” he would say. Others, who have “successfully” been managing their business for nearing two decades, barely pay above minimum wage and for gruesome labor.

More years in practice often translates to more opportunity to skew the narrative, not necessarily more evidence that the practice is sound.

That notion has stuck with me. Fifteen years of trying to prove my worth went out the door with that simple epiphany. That’s not to say the work is all for financial gain, or that generosity and collaboration don’t have their place. But free or manipulated labor in service of a for-profit business generally doesn’t align with the kind of mutually beneficial success I want to participate in. If a business can only sustain itself through the unsustainable treatment of the people supporting it, are we really inclined to call that success in the slightest?

I know I don’t really have to explain that when you hire me you are not hiring a multi-million dollar entity but I may have to explain that my entity has much more integrity. I manage my schedule appropriately, I communicate thoroughly, I show up as requested, fulfill your needs, and promptly follow up with notes ready for you to fulfill the other side. No, you cannot have 30 days to ponder the payment of your pre-planned service. No, I cannot wave the service charge after I showed up to work in your gardens and you just had them sprayed with dangerous chemicals. No, you cannot provide your own terms, at my expense. After 15 years of experience in what I am now calling “unsustainable business” I am here to offer an intentionally refined and well thought through alternative type of service, in a mutually beneficial manner. I do my administrative work following the job site while it’s fresh in my mind, because that’s what is sustainable for me. I won’t expense thousands of dollars for your ultimate product at my own risk, to avoid it being your own. Lastly - I can see that you opened the invoice 7 times but yes I do understand you must just be much more busy.

There is no reason a tried and true steward of the land would be offering the same caliber of business practices as a modern landscaper, gardener or agricultural worker. This because modernity is the root of all things unsustainable. More specifically, modern culture has normalized externalizing costs while calling the result successful.

Most days you’ll be shown the spring buds, the big blooms, the thriving space. After 33 years of never being exposed, it feels like poison ivy is now up my nose. All it took was one exposure for a future of paranoia - it’s manifesting everywhere.

All the while, the risks are evident and the work still needs to get worked. I trust that clients will be honest, transparent, and conscientious of how their space will affect me. That said, we simply don’t know what we don’t know. Until we do.

Maybe it’s a reminder to slow down. That this work is intentional. That we do it for health + beauty rather than for speed. That no plant is bad, but every plant has its place.

A client recently noted to me how weeds appear near plants that look exactly alike. “Pay attention!” she said. “You’ll notice it everywhere!” It’s true. The similarities to nearby plants - sometimes weeds love to play tricks on you. Though the term “weed” is subjective. A dearest love for me may be a dreaded bystander for you. “Low-value succulents,” as one once called them, removed from her and received graciously by you.

No garden is “no maintenance,” I always say. Exactly how much, depends on you…

Poison ivy, with its contrasting pink stems and bright green leaves, reminds me of Sour Watermelon Candy. A deer in headlights as its vibrance catches your eye, diminished by the realization of the other side.

Bush-like or vining - it moves far and wide. Often alongside other ivies, creepers, alone or intertwined. Dead or alive, burned or composted, still - her influence thrives.

And then there are those who simply can’t feel her grasp. Untouchable.

What must we do to survive?

I can’t say I really expected any different - but I have to bring some light to the experience of building your own small business in our economy today.

A constant and dwindling response to the question of “exactly how much are YOU going to be WORTH TO ME, today?”

No matter how honest, intentional, how much integrity we offer, how much formal education, experience, or genuine passion we have behind us..there will always be a deep rooted lack of trust, scrutiny and a self-righteous glare staring back at us.

We are just the worker bees, the peasants, the ones fallen to our knees. Does my big + beautiful and sustainable vegetable garden not say to the world what your Ferrari does? I am so sorry that your private charter plane has left you no money for your Essential Garden Fairie, though you expect her, and healthy plants, all the same.

We are re-building the mutually beneficial narrative.

You support me, and I support you - come on folks, this is not new. First come government taxes, then come excessive business fee losses, then come fines for lack of accessible information, then come Mary and Jospeh in a baby carriage. Your plant and garden spaces bring you genuine joy in regards to your home, your family, time with the sea, the forest, in business + play, you clearly care enough to inquire here today.

What exactly is the monetary amount, physical effort, care, genuine interest, flexibility, time and collaborative effort that would make it worth the commitment, for you?? Please, endulge me, - elaborate - on what exactly it is I can do, just for you, today??? 

A lot of people would probably argue that I am a pessimist, and in a lot of ways I see how that can be true.  A lot of people just don’t understand the “grand scheme” That much is true, too.

This morning at a favorite and frequented bakery, the man behind the counter made a comment that I always have a big smile on my face. He made a gentle gesture and thanked me for bringing such energy. “Well when I am here for Chocolate Chip Scone Friday… a smile there will be!” After a few weird weeks, job transitioning, leaps of faith - it felt damn good to hear. I feel so full with the way my life is evolving. I knew all those weird heavy life decisions wouldn’t lead me astray. I am so glad to have been lead this way... The thing of it is - the teachers that have helped shape this way. We work to have the awareness to hear the calls, but then we have to actually do the work to follow them. They might get all the credit, but the sentiment is well rounded, and stems from within.

Later that same day, a women came up to me while getting mulch at the local garden store. She was engaged, curious - loving my logo and my cutie truck bed planter box. Asking me all of the questions. Who are you? What and where do you do? How do you do it? By yourself? How much do you charge? “YOU ARE ON THE RIGHT TRACK,” she says. “Keep doing what you do, we need more people like you.” A farmer/gardener herself, at the age of 65 and with lots of land to steward on the coast of Maine - she gets it. She sees the people doing the good work, she knows how depleting it is and she takes the initiative to take the time out of her day to come over and say “you get it to - who are you?” It’s about community. Resilience. Carrying all of these heavy but important lessons forward. How can all of us help educate you?

A reminder that within the moments of sadness, self-doubt, worry - there are people who notice the other side, who see you for you, who make a point to tell you you are doing a good and rightly thing. Amongst the people that don’t, there are plenty of people that want to know and support you. 

I had an experience recently where I asked the teacher to give me a glimpse of where this is all headed. She spoke softly and safely when she said “Come with me, i’ll show you your future - it’s so good.” As if that wasn’t exactly what I was hoping to hear, it was all just too much too soon. “OK. Nevermind. Don’t show me.” And off I fled. This brief moment in time felt like a lifetime before I realized what my big problem is, the point where it always goes wrong. I call in that which I want and need and then even when it’s sitting in my lap, I refuse to believe its really there. A good thing? Happening to me? Yes actually… all you have to do is trust it, and you will see.

A part of our practice as sustainable growers is to differentiate when we need to buck up and get the job done despite the weather vs. when we should make the effort to re-arrange so that each thing is still done with integrity and in an ergonomic manner. There is something to be said about working with the elements and accepting the challenge to do things a little differently than preferred, today.

Because at the end of the day.. we’re preaching to “work with the seasons, not against them.”

The heavy dew, the windy rain - it’s all just a mind game. The people are quieter, the birds are louder, the trees come alive in grand manor as if to say “Mother Nature doesn’t stand a chance, to me.” But, inevitably.. we are not all invincible in the ways we might believe ourselves to be. We either crack and crumble, or we bend and twist.. we work to have the awareness to make the choice for ourselves, in any given moment.

For better or for worse we know the tides will soon change, so for now and as always we buck up and do our best to keep with the flow.